I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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