Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
