Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I sprained my soul last night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
