I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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