I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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