What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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