i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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