Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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