WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He better not be in your backpack
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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