and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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