What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
