Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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