sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
