Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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