did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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