Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you had me at cake vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
