I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
