This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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