Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
