After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
