you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
