do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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