Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
