I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
