I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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