I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
