Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
