New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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