I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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