i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
why does every cop we meet know your name?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
