everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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