Your face is a jimmy john
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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