: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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