apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
