my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
