so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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