My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
