Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
