dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
