i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
