If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We are two peas in an std pod
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
