So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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