Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have started to decorate penises.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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