Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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