get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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