I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
