Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
