When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
