every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
