just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Vodka?
Forever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
