it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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