Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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